Since You've Been Gone
Disclaimer: They're not mine...blah blah blah...wish they were...blah blah blah.
Category/Summary: Other (Kyle POV)
Author's Note: I just didn't feel they mentioned Alex enough after his death...so this was my way of getting him the post-mortem attention he deserved.
Do you miss her?
Any of them? Any of us?
I know she misses you. They miss you. We all miss you.
Things just haven’t been the same since you’ve been gone.
I think Maria is the only one who has accepted it. She let herself grieve while the others were distracted.
Isabel still saw you after you were gone. She just told me that recently. I had suspected as much.
Personally, I don’t think she was dreaming or hallucinating. You were really there with her, weren’t you?
That sounds like something you’d do.
Liz…well, Liz was on a mission to find out what really happened to you and when the truth finally came out she…she didn’t take it so well. Let’s just say that she and Max haven’t been on the best of terms, even though it wasn’t really his fault. She blames him…all of them…in some way. But not as much as she blames herself.
But we’ll get to her later.
Michael still gets pissed when he thinks about it. I think he blames himself for not knowing, for not being able to stop it somehow.
Did you two even get along that well? I never really paid attention, to be honest. I didn’t think anyone got along with him that well. Maybe it’s just me.
I was just curious because I think he looks at me as your replacement. Whenever he and Maria fight or he’s worried about Liz or even Isabel, he comes to me and tells me to fix it. I wondered if maybe he did that to you, too.
The other night he was yelling at me, saying I was the only one who could fix things…then he called me by your name.
I still get chills just thinking about it.
He realized what he had done and took off. I wonder if he already came here and told you this. Or am I the only one talking to a headstone these days?
It’s amazing how much he thinks of you, now that you’re gone. I think he took you for granted while you were here. Actually, I think we all did.
I know I did.
It’s impossible trying to take your place, you know that? I try, really I do. I try to be there for them and keep the peace and all that but it’s hard. It’s so hard. Especially with you being gone. Especially with how you were taken.
I can’t even stand to say the name.
You know I didn’t know what I was doing, right? When I put your body in the car?
Sorry, I still get flashes sometimes of you in the doorway and all that happened that night. They aren’t dreams because they happen when I’m awake.
I don’t sleep in that room anymore. I just can’t. It reminds me how weak I was that I couldn’t tell the difference between you and a duffel bag.
I’m sorry, Alex. You have to know that.
I don’t sleep at home anymore and neither does Dad. He spends late hours, even later than usual, working at the office. He’s playing by the rules and trying to keep a low profile, which isn’t hard to do since things have been pretty quiet since she left.
You know who I’m talking about, right? I don’t have to say her name, do I? Please don’t make me say her name.
I don’t know where Dad goes when he’s not at the office. I don’t think he spends much time with Amy DeLuca anymore. He doesn’t trust women much these days. First there was my mom and then…well…you know.
Sometimes I see him looking at Isabel and you can tell he’s trying to figure out whether he still trusts her. I don’t think he’s made a decision on that yet.
I don’t even think he really looks at Maria the same way either, not since he figured out what happened between her and Michael. He questions her loyalties, I guess. She does spend a lot of time with Michael now, more than she probably should.
Then there’s Liz. Told you I’d get back to her.
After we learned what really happened to you, Liz sort of pulled away from Max and the others, which meant pulling away from Maria because she was always with them.
Maria made this big deal about feeling she had to choose between Liz and the group. She said Liz wouldn’t make her choose if she was a true friend.
Liz wasn’t asking her to choose, Alex, I swear. Liz just chose not to be around them and Maria couldn’t tear herself away from Michael long enough to be with Liz…and just Liz.
It’s been pretty hard to watch, actually.
Michael quit working at the Crashdown because of it. He could sense that Liz was uncomfortable seeing him there and then Maria started working less and less so she could be around Michael.
Michael even encouraged Maria to spend some time with Liz in the beginning, but stubborn ol’ Maria refused. She insisted she was committed to him and nothing Liz could say or do would change that. I think he finally just gave up.
Max, on the other hand, didn’t even try. As soon as Liz started to pull away, he just let her go. I don’t think he was even surprised by her actions…or his.
It’s not like they hate each other or anything. Liz doesn’t hold him responsible, necessarily, but I think she feels guilty sometimes for loving him in the first place because that’s how you got involved and…well…you know what I mean.
But don’t worry. I tell her every time that it wasn’t her fault, that you don’t hold her responsible or anything like that.
Because you don’t, right?
No, you wouldn’t.
So you basically have Michael walking around trying to adjust to the newfound “closeness” he shares with Maria and trying to keep an eye on Isabel and Max at the same time. That’s why he comes to me, I think. He needs the help.
I basically keep an eye on Liz and occasionally I check in on Isabel…for you…not for him.
Isabel’s hanging in there, I guess. I think she still struggles with the fact you are gone and one of “her kind” is responsible for it. But most of all, I think she’s worried about those around her and how your death has affected them. Besides her brother and the others, of course, I see her watching Liz sometimes and you can tell she’s worried.
I think those two might be the key. They both worry about the other one. You’d be so proud, Alex. Your girls are looking out for each other, even if from a distance.
I stay with Liz most nights. I think her parents are even getting used to it. I sleep on the floor or sometimes we both sleep outside, depending on the weather.
She took that slide you had of the Aurora Borealis—yes, she made me learn the name--and had it blown up into a poster. She said it’s a reminder of all that’s out there to see in this world.
And the fact that things aren’t always what they seem.
She cries a lot when she looks at it and I asked her if maybe she should take it down but she says she needs it…to remember.
I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
In the beginning, Maria helped Liz go through the things left in your room but once things started going wrong between them, I helped Liz sort through your stuff instead.
I kept your baseball cards. Hope you don’t mind.
Oh, and this will make you proud, Alex. Liz gave the Beth Orton tickets to Isabel. She just put them in a plain white envelope and left them in Isabel’s locker one day. I think her exact words were, “Alex would want her to have these.”
See, I’m telling you…these two are the key.
Did I mention Sean yet? I don’t think I have. He ended up leaving town to work as a roadie for some hippie band, Worldwide Panic or something like that, about a month ago. I think he finally realized Liz would never truly be “available” to him and that his being here only caused more confusion in her life, so he left.
Liz came to me the night Sean told her he was leaving and asked me if I was planning to leave Roswell anytime soon. I promised her I wouldn’t go anywhere until she was ready. We haven’t discussed it since.
Oh. And then there’s Max’s son. You know about that though, right? I don’t know much else except that Isabel says they aren’t making much progress in figuring out how to save him, especially with him being back on the “home planet” and all. I think she wants to ask Liz what she knows about that transport thing, but she thinks it’s too soon. She doesn’t want to bother her with otherworldly issues like that just yet. But I think Liz is ready. I’m trying to encourage the two of them to talk whenever possible. I think it would be good for both of them.
Well, I should probably head out. Liz is probably wondering where I am. I didn’t tell her I was coming here. I wasn’t sure I was going to. I just wanted to stop by and say I’m sorry and to let you know what’s going on around here lately.
Besides the fact that it’s pretty creepy talking to a headstone in the middle of the night, I think I might come back again. I feel better now. You’re the only one I can talk to about this and there’s this part of me that thinks if you know what’s going on, you might be able to help.
Just wish me luck, OK? I’m going to do my best to keep things together but I sure could use your help.
Take care, Alex. I’ll be talking to you soon.