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Author: Bennie
Rating: Text
Disclaimer: I own nothing Roswell. Please Don't Make Me Cry is by UB 40.
Character Focus: CC
Spoilers: Destiny
Author´s Note: Companion to Heaven Can Wait
You say you're gonna leave me, I'm begging you to stay
How many times can I call you? Do you even listen to my messages? Can't you hear me, hear my soul singing out for you?
I need you … don't you need me? Please don't go.
But baby, I can't get through any way, no I can't
I don't know myself anymore. Who is this, whose desperate, vacant eyes stare back at me in the mirror?
This can't go on … I can't go on like this …
And when I wake up in the morning, you are gone
Sometimes, when I'm in that warm, timeless space between sleep and waking, I can remember the feel of falling asleep with my arms around you, comforting you, giving us both what we needed … what we need …
And then I open my eyes, and the mirage disappears, as if it never was.
Were you here? Were you? Why are you all around me? I can smell you on my pillow, sense you in the air, feel your very essence reaching out to me in the harsh light of the morning …
Leaving me thinking oh no I'll be all alone
I couldn't believe that you said that. I didn't believe it, either, not until I saw you walk away, the weight of the world - of worlds - on your shoulders.
And then, all I could think of, was the sudden gaping void inside of me, the hole you left when you left me, surrounded by the people I love and trust most in the world, but alone.
Oh, so alone.
You left me crying
I couldn't cry then. Not out loud. But inside, inside I was falling apart, and I was amazed the ground didn't crumble away beneath me from the force of a soul crying out in pain …
All I could do was stand there, and wait to wake up from the nightmare.
Please don't make me cry
It's not a nightmare. It has that gritty texture of reality, the same feel my eyes get after I've stared into the mirror too long, contemplating that look of shellshock across normally vibrant features.
'Cause I can't say goodbye
Every now and then a tiny voice asks me why I keep going, when you're obviously not going to answer my calls.
Please don't make me cry
But I can't stop. I won't stop, won't give up, won't admit just how much I've come to depend on you, come to crave your weird energy, come to need that look in your eyes.
Because I know, there'll be nothing left for me
That look that says, you're everything to me. I need you. I want you. I can't leave you.
I love you.
Because that's all there is now. There's no safety, no comfortable illusions, no refuge from the storm about to descend on sleepy Roswell, NM.
There's only love.
And without it … without you …
What is there?
All of the good times we spent together
I've been trying to move on, to find out who I am when I'm not with you. When you're not a part of me and I'm not a part of you.
But I keep coming back to those moments, you know, those perfect, crystalline moments when the world seems to stop and everything else just disappears and your heart's in your throat and everything is scary but exciting and the air is pure but you can't seem to get enough of it and I remember …
I remember the touch of your hand caressing my face, the feel of your lips on mine, the faint heartbeat I felt pulsing along the side of your neck.
The way I knew everything would work out fine as long as we were together.
You said, it was me, and no other, yeah
The look in your eyes when you told me I was the only one for you.
The promise of forever.
And now you want to make me feel pain inside
Well, forever's come and gone. I should be bitter. I should rail at the stars, screaming at the unfairness of it all.
Darling, I know you're gonna make me cry
I won't, I won't break down, give in to the tears …
'Cause once I do, I may never stop.
You left me crying
How many times do I have to watch you turn your back and leave? To hold on to what little strength I have left, to force myself to wait until you're gone, before just falling apart?
And I always do.
Please don't make me cry
I don't know who it is I pray to, sometimes. I wasn't raised in any particular religious faith, and after all that's happened … I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of God. Or gods. Aren't aliens enough to deal with?
But I find myself night after night, looking up to the heavens and wishing … wishing …
'Cause I can't say goodbye
It gets too painful sometimes, and I have to run down the stairs as fast as I can because the weight of the night sky is just bearing down on me, squeezing the breath right out of me.
I collapse into a booth, relieved to surround myself with the whimsical trappings of innocence, memories of all the times my parents comforted me as a child. I feel their love in this room. It surrounds me.
Besides, this is where I was reborn into another world.
Please don't make me cry
I don't know about gods or divine plans. But you are the author of my existence now. You gave me life.
And now I feel like a baby bird that has just been pushed out of its nest. I can look around and see all the evidence that comfort and security once existed … but it feels empty, like a world that's moved on. Without me.
Because I know, there'll be nothing left for me
I've outlived myself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds. I mean, I'm still here, right? I'm alive. I sit here night after night, looking through my diary, smiling at some parts and crying at others. And when I reach a fresh page I begin to fill it, an act of creation that reassures me, proof that I'm not a ghost that just hasn't realized she's dead yet.
But I do feel a little dead inside.
Maybe a part of me was left behind, that part of me that fell asleep every night knowing that there was something worth waking up for.
And now I can't think of a blessed thing.
Not for the life of me.
All this pain, I can't stand
How can one person change your life so quickly? So much? So irreversibly?
They, at least, have memories to look back on. What do we have? A few moments together. That sense of something happening, or about to happen. That feeling of anticipation that makes you look forward to History class because you know that one person is going to be there.
I heard a song on the radio the other day. Lilith Fair stuff. Normally I'd switch stations but then one line caught my attention.
"I will stare into the sun until it's light doesn't blind me," or something like that.
All I could do was think of the day when you finally looked at me like … like someone who mattered. To you. I couldn't breath, I was dazzled by you. You shone that day.
I still see hints of that glow sometimes, but never openly and I'm sure, never consciously. Every time I see you, you look at me and you smile, but your eyes are dull. It still hurts to look at you, but it hurts more to know that I may never see that light again.
And my heart breaks all over again.
You're gonna leave, you're gonna leave this poor man on his own, yes you are
I used to complain that it was a big joke, that you were just playing with me. But I know you don't play games. You don't tease, you don't lead people on, and you don't humour people.
When you decided you would let me in, you let me know, and that was that.
Well now you've decided to shut me out. And … I guess that's that.
Please don't make me cry
Why does it hurt so much? I've only been close to you for such a short time; when did I become so dependent on you?
Can't I can't say goodbye
I can live with friendship if I have to. I'm a good friend, and I know that I can be the best friend that you never expected to have. And I will be. Because I don't run away when things get rough. And I can't run away from you.
Please don't make me cry
Please don't push me away any more. As it is, I find myself looking up to the stars, night after night, and dream about what was, what could have been, and what is. I don't dare to dream of what could be, because I … I just don't.
Because I know, there'll be nothing left for me
I struggle to remember what filled my life before I knew you. I had things I liked to do, right? People I liked to be with? I'm sure I did.
It's just that none of it seems to mean that much anymore.
All this pain, I can't stand
The other day I woke up and my chest hurt. It scared me; for one terrifying moment I thought I was dying. And then … god help me, I wanted to.
But it hurt, so I tried to get out of my bed. I was too weak, and just fell off the side, lying there and trying not to scream. And after a few minutes - an eternity - I could breathe again, so I got up.
And walked straight to my computer. Got on the 'net. You know what I had? A panic attack. I was feeling so much anxiety that my body thought it was dying.
You're gonna leave, you're gonna leave this poor man on his own, yes you are
It is the strangest feeling in the world to process two realities. In one, you are beginning to open up to me, to let me in, to love me. In the other, I am a burden, someone to be awkward around, someone you can't confide in.
And it scares me to think which reality is taking shape.
Please don't make me cry, baby I'm pleading, oh, oh
I can live with it, I guess. I don't want to, but I could.
I just wish I had more memories.
But I will be okay. I will be strong, I will be there for my friends, and I will be your friend, nothing more. I'll never cry again. I'll tell my friends and I'll tell myself over and over until it sinks in: we will be okay. I will be okay.
And one day, I may even believe it.
The End
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